The Mindfully Lifted Podcast Ep. 3 Transcript
(Listen to this blog post below and for expansion on all topics not included in the written transcript)
A boss asks you for something last minute when they know your about to leave for vacation.
A partner tells you that how you feel about a negative behavior they displayed is overreacting or crazy?
A friend repeatedly asks to borrow money even though they know you are on a budget.
On today's episode we're discussing the topic of PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
I'm your Host Kamela Celeste and welcome back to The Mindfully Lifted Podcast- Your source for conversations, perspectives and meditations on mind-body wellness, consciousness, overcoming adversity and much more.
Setting Boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me too. - Christine Morgan
You get what you tolerate. -Henry Cloud
Whether you are looking to check if you have good personal boundaries or maybe this is something you are aware you actively struggle with ( for me personally its the latter) Let's first discuss what even are personal boundaries?
Personal Boundaries are limits we set with other people which we decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior towards us. Short version, they are our way of expressing to others that it is or is not okay to treat us certain ways.
Knowing our boundaries comes from a healthy sense of self worth and self value regardless of other people's feelings towards you. Setting healthy personal boundaries allows us to avoid feeling resentment, anger, and burnout towards others, our careers etc.
This is a topic I have been putting off to discuss - for one, everyone's boundaries are going to be different and very tailored to each individual. And two simply because I don't have all the answers on this topic nor am I an expert on this, it is something I actually still to this day struggle with from time to time. But from struggling with this my whole life basically, as I've grown I am able to spot situations where if I allow this, it would be crossing my boundaries. So today we're discussing 4 ways to set and uphold healthy personal boundaries.
And I think that leads us into the 1st point of setting healthy personal boundaries is identifying what our boundaries are, what our limits are.
The way we do this is by examining past experiences where you've felt discomfort, anger, resentment or frustration with someone, or times you've just simply felt burnt out.
Examining those situations, maybe even writing them down, how those situations made you feel and ultimately what could you have done to avoid that situation all together. For example, in a past relationship my partner who I lived with insisted on paying for our groceries. At first I said absolutely not. Then after talking further and him pushing the topic more I eventually caved and allowed it. It seemed harmless at first and after I second guessed myself I thought it was my ego getting in the way of letting someone do something nice for me but when it came down to buying the actual groceries I'd only get things I knew he wanted or ate because I felt I didn't have a say because I wasn't the one paying for them. Ultimately this made me resentful, led to fights, and him holding it over me. The whole situation could have been avoided had I stood firm in my decision of originally declining the generous offer.
I think finding out your boundaries also comes from really knowing yourself down to your very core, knowing your values, morals, what you're okay with, and what you personally consider to be crossing the line without letting anybody else influence these to begin with.
Number 2 - Be Assertive
Do not be afraid to speak up and say no, even if that means the other person who you are enforcing that boundary with might not like it. They might get upset, disappointed or angry. But that is on them how they choose to react. and it is not your responsibility for how YOUR boundary makes them feel.
Stand firm, stand your ground with your boundaries. You feel how you feel, your boundaries are your boundaries and know that you are allowed to feel that way to begin with. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise or make you think that a boundary you have set, isn't valid. Being assertive means that you are fair and honest with yourself. You can be assertive without being mean or rude, pre-rehearse what you'd like to say before delivering that a boundary has been crossed so you are less likely to respond in a heated way. If you don't necessarily have time to do this first, just take a pause, a few deep breaths and try to deliver the message as best you can in a calm yet firm manner. I know it can be hard sometimes when emotions are high- I have been guilty of actually needing a day or two to think before figuring out how best to say things.
Number 3 - Practice upholding your Boundaries
All mastery of anything comes from practice, practice practice.
Could be as simple of a practice like in an everyday minor situation.
Say you're out to eat at a restaurant and the waiter gets your order wrong - you asked for potatoes instead of broccoli - Speak up, politely voice what you originally asked for and practice not feeling like an inconvenience for doing so.
Say you have a co-worker who asks you repeatedly to pick up their bosses dry cleaners, something that is their responsibility to begin with- Politely decline, express that it's an inconvenience to you and practice not feeling guilty for it.
You see boundaries are a form of self respect.
They are promises, contracts, our own word to ourselves. And if you break your word to yourself, you set yourself up to please another AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN PEACE AND SELF RESPECT. Know that eventually this only leads to all those negative emotions we keep talking about - feeling unsettled, anxious, resentment, anger, and burnt out.
Before I go into the 4th point I want to interrupt to humbly ask you to please take a second to leave a quick review on iTunes for this podcast - Reviews help the show to get discovered in searches and genuinely lets other people know how much they'll enjoy listening to the show as well!
Thank you again for tuning in- and now back to the episode
Number 4 Voice and Enforce Your Boundaries
Once you've gotten crystal clear on your own boundaries it's time to voice and enforce them. Make it super freaking clear what is not okay and what you will not tolerate.
Always voice when a boundary has been crossed
If the individual knows your boundaries, has heard from you that they have crossed said boundary yet continues to disregard, disrespect your boundaries - you've gotta remove / ignore that person because they are toxic to you. #2019cutoffgamestrongaf .
Once a person shows who they really are, their true colors, you've gotta believe it, accept it and move on for your own peace of mind and self respect.
That brings us to the Q&A segment of today
I asked you guys on my Instagram story yesterday what questions you had about this topic and I got two really good questions.
The first one comes from chosenjuan285 aka Juan Adams our most recent guest that was on the show last episode (side note: If you haven't listened to that one yet, you are missing out on an incredible story) He asks: How much do you allow exes to have access to your life?
So I really like this question because I think it is something all of us have maybe asked ourselves our thought about at some point in our lives.
My personal opinion on this is, it depends on the ex. Depends on their intentions, how the relationship ended, how communicating or not communicating with your ex makes your current partner feel if there is one, and does this ex display toxic behavior. I have exes who I am cordial or neutral with, exes who I'm still friends with and exes who I do not wish to speak to because I recognize all interaction with them results in the display of toxic behavior. None of my exes do I communicate with on a consistent basis, I find too much interaction with an ex to be disrespectful to a current partner and sometimes can simply be disrespectful to the exes emotions if I know they still have feelings for me. I think caution should be taken anytime you are communicating with an ex and where you stand with them should always be made clear. I think deciding how much access to your life you give them depends on that fact of knowing where you stand with them and how comfortable you are with them still being in your life based on logic not emotion. Easier said than done though. The heart is a complicated matter.
Question number two comes from manloves_motivation, They ask: Is there ever a time when you compromise boundaries to support someone in need?
This is a question I also found interesting because I think that is the whole point of boundaries to begin with setting them and enforcing them. Weighing the situation and asking "is the juice worth the squeeze", is compromising my boundaries for said person in need worth dishonoring myself, is it worth breaking my word to myself, is it worth the negative emotions I will feel eventually. Just like you care about this person in need, you need to care about you too.This particular question reminds me of a quote by Brene Brown which says "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others"
And that about wraps up episode 3 on Personal Boundaries
I hope that you guys found this episode insightful, helpful maybe even thought provoking. If you liked what you heard be sure and subscribe on iTunes or Spotify - Give us a share and shout out on your favorite social media platform and tag us at mindfullyliftedproject on Instagram, The Mindfully Lifted Project on Facebook. And if you want to hear a certain topic discussed on the show send us a DM or shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you guys so much for tuning in, and I will catch you guys next time in Episode 4!